I noticed a man stalking me as I was parallel parking across the street from one of my favorite coffee shops. Only thing standing between me, an overpriced dirty chai latte, and a green suede couch was this man. He adorns a retro Pittsburgh Steelers jacket and is leaning on a crutch. It is like he has heat vision—burning a hole in the back of my skull as I snuggle up to the sidewalk. I get out. Avoid eye contact. Doesn’t matter. He’s like an NPC from Pokemon. He’s on me like a duck on a junebug. He launches into his rehearsed speech I’m sure he has recited countless times to weaponize empathy in the hopes of receiving capital to fuel his heroin addiction, or gambling problem, or whatever-the-fuck he spends his grifted money on.

Excuse me sir, do you have a moment to talk? Or perhaps a spare dollar or two?

Thoughts to manipulate the situation in an amusing way flood my mind.  Yes, yes I do have a moment to talk. Why do you need a crutch? How good are Steelers’ playoff chances with Pickett as QB? What are your hobbies (besides standing on a street corner trying to finesse money from strangers)?  Empathize. Gain rapport. Rapport is a two-way street. He is now listening to what I say. Make up some story. I am financially in a pickle myself. I am nearly out of gas and barely have enough money to fill up the tank. Wage slaving part time at chipotle is barely enough to get me by. Was going to sit at this café and use the wi-fi for as long as I can before they realize I haven’t boughten anything. I plan to do some research for my thesis paper. Fabricate more details. My home life is miserable, but I can’t move out because I am still just a student. I typically only use my car to attend classes and go to work to save on gas, but I can’t concentrate at home. My uncle has been crashing on my mom’s couch for months and he is a mean drunk. He tells me that college is a waste of time and resources when I come home from my night classes. His breath smells of garlic and jack daniels. I am best not to talk back to him, last time I did I ended up with a black eye. Anyways, I actually haven’t eaten in 2 days, do you have any money you can spare me? Uno reverse.

I decided against that route. Too Machiavellian. Not going to let the intrusive thoughts win. I politely tell him I do not have cash and kept walking.